Seems like everything “happens for a reason.”
I’ve always known this. But yet ..day to day to day I tend to forget it. A simple glance into a search on Facebook yielded amazing results. I found my ex, this pic of him & his now “husband”. My soul literally threw up. I’ve always been able to tell …how a person is even by a photo..lately i’ve noticed my skills being honed. I stopped my breathing treatment & laughed out loud. It was just so ridiculous. I’ve been so bitter & working through resenting someone only to realize it was something i HAD to go through. Ultimately, as always, for the better.
If i never: acknowledged my resentment over not having affection & chose to end the relationship. I would’ve never had the courage to ask a stranger to live with me. A stranger who turned into a friend. We moved to an alcoholic friends place for almost 2 months who again i had to flee in terror. Which led me to go back to living in Central or downtown.. which led to those adventures. Finding my Dallas. The joy i get from cuddling him, walking with him or playing with him. Getting into housing; going from a studio to my own one bedroom & finally making my own way. And my friend finding someone that makes him happy.
Having posters & things all over the walls. Buying the dishes i want, the silverware i want…doing things for me. Setting things up how I want them.. no one else. Living my life on my own schedule on my own terms.
I couldn’t see until today that it ALL happened for this moment. This moment of realization. Not only am i NOT bound by a relationship but i myself am the only thing that binds myself. Now i am free. It’s okay to live again. I CAN trust someone if i chOOse to. Not ever person (homo) is created the same. You see, if you’re reading this you might not know: that (like straight people) gay people can be very mean judgemental (easily) & ostracize you if you’re different. IE: If you don’t have the perfect body, perfect tan, etc etc you get it. Drive (which i don’t) or have a car (ditto)… or a job.. But that’s THEIR problem – Not mine. I’m divinely perfect the way i am. If they don’t want to know me – their loss. Not mine. I’m living everyday as much as i can… i do what i can, when i can, with who i want.
I am My own Man. I am My own Light. And i will not stop shining. I will burn bright as long as i can until my light goes back to the Source of all light.
Ready to Own my past, my present and Future.
At this moment: After i dropped my jug of tea trying to carry it while walking home from Walgreens.
It burst open & I see money lost seeping into the ground.
I HATE EVERYONE & EVERYTHING.
I know i’m suppose to be on ‘good behavior’ adjusting frequencies & all that..
But instead i hate everyone.
I hate food & liquid being so fucking expensive that i go outta the way to make sure I get deals before they end.
I hate the faggots that make my easy life-drama filled just by looking at them – just by being tormented by them.
I hate that my pinched nerve on my hip is sending pain through my body, that my teeth can’t take the pain of hot or cold and or food. I hate being alive & i wish i was dead.
I HATE IT HERE.
We’re supposedly in the freest country in the world & even as a kid I knew THEY controlled everything.
I’ve just bore witness to it getting worse & worse.
And so now what?
Aliens quote unquote won’t do anything – they can’t interfere not to mention we can’t trust anyone.
I can’t trust ANYONE.
NO trust, no love (which most is fake:lust or desire) – no PEACE… Why the fuck am i here?
No one listens to me; friends i’ve known for years barely listen to my advice with a “grain of salt”.
I sit & stew all day – I can’t do the things i’ve once done because my body is breaking down. Every inch is betraying me as I have it. “I’m not even 40 yet!!”
I rage & rage into the night yelling with all my might – that somehow someway I will be given might. To change the things that need to change to do things no one can.
We can’t help ourselves how are we expected to help anyone else?.
I have known you well in various forms
i will learn to cope
as i always do
I’ve known the pain of being beat
my arm in a sling
the trust of an ex betrayed
chemical drugs are hell
i had to leave town with no one knowing
In a bipolar nic fit rage my dear cat
thrown across the room
another ex – this one a longer tenure
years off & on of love & angst
we never forgot the good times
The greatest friend was he,
that broke me the worst
denied by him any contact after
we parted ways
my pride joy & love of my 2 cat souls denied
access denied to any reunion
minutes away from me might be across the planet
heart broken time wasted- not sleeping eating living
vengeance i plot & dream but know the truth
stages of loss
Isolation Anger Depression
Must always be: Acceptance (in the end)
Onward i move out of this cloud
to the next day everyday moving faster
light i have seen in the distance
i will live again as i always have
whole loving life embracing
i see the light of all in everything
She was all i loved. Compared to any ex i’ve had shes the best thing for me.
My doctor said No it’s not good. I miss her.